Hard Candy Christmas

that is what this year is gonna be....a hard candy christmas, as dolly would say. it is going to be lonely and depressing. everything is changing. even the family traditions that i thought would never change are changing. the biggest day of the year for our family is christmas eve, and my brother isn't even going to be there for it. things are getting moved around and new people are entering our sacred holiday. not sacred in a religious way cause, let's face, we are NOT a religious family. i mean sacred in a "this is what our family has been doing since before i can remember" kind of way. i know that is what happens when everyone grows up and moves on....but it wasn't supposed to happen to christmas. that was never supposed to change.......

i'll be fine and dandy...lord it's like a hard candy christmas....i'm barely getting through tomorrow....but still i won't let sorrow bring me way down.

4am in the City that Never Sleeps

So 4am on a monday night in new york city is not as exciting as most people who don't live here would like to believe. mostly, those people who are up are those of us who can't sleep. it is quite where i am. queens is not quite as loud and unsleeping as manhattan. it is lonely and cold. even if i could think of something to do, i wouldn't want to leave my apartment. it is depressing and scary outside at this time of night/morning. but staying in is not better. with school over and a week before i head home for the holidays, there isn't much to do. so i sit watching movies with characters in them i could never be. that is my life these days. school just ended...it is horrible that i am looking forward to the end of january when i will have a focus again?